Like every home or space that needs revamping or a healing or beautifying touch, our inner self too I guess needs beautification from time to time; needs cleansing from time to time. And yet how many of us really get out from the entry table decor to rectify and beautify something that is the very essence of our living. My room looks beautiful. But I need cleansing. And I have realized that. My inner self needs putty, sanding and a fresh coat of summer sorbet maybe. ‘coz i have long since ceased to be the girl I used to be, chasing behind the perfection of my table cloth. I will not be afraid to rectify. I will not be afraid to confess.
Replete with materialistic growth and arrogance of all the goods that are happening to me, somewhere, somehow I didn’t realize that every day I was ceasing to be the person I was and the person who people love. Every little good thing was taking me away from the grounded girl I had always been. And today, when someone I really care about told me, “i love you for who you were. I’m hating you for who you are becoming”, my whole world crashed. I was angry, I was sad, I came home with a headache, but I realized that it was not that person who was lying. I was lying to myself all these days thinking that I’m becoming a better person. And when I looked down, I got glimpses, snap shots of the girl I used to be and she seemed nothing like who I am today.
Today I set on a new journey within to conquer all the holes that has been forming in this wood. I will recognize them, fill them with putty so that they don’t let the rest of it rot, sand it down to a surface that is clean, sparkling and homogeneous, and then give it a coat of goodness, that can radiate and bring joy to others.
I remember asking my sister as to why i was born. Her reply was, so that you bring joy to all of us. And that is what I’m going to do. that is who I was. I always was.
Keep me in your prayers. I really need God’s help to take me back.
roy
you are brave. this is an honorable quest you are on. and the fact that you acknowledge you can’t carry the burden alone is heart warming; lifts my spirits. i find it is a struggle to live in the physical world and not be stained by it. for me it’s important to be reassured by what i know to be true: we are loved. we are chosen. simple, but so sustaining!
you are loved. you are chosen. right where you are.
i am praying this very moment.
michele
Thank you so much for your prayers Mich. I already feel better or rather excellent. I guess that recognition is all it takes. Rest is simply an even flow.
Thanks to you and R offline that I seriously feel like Im a different person from yesterday.
We all need God’s help to “get back” but the first step is realizing it. I tend to think that blogging can cause one to be very self centered. It’s a struggle to stay away from it sometimes but we have to in order to think about true meaning. Or is that trumatter?
No Tammy…it was beyond trumatter. I guess it had something to do with blogging. You absolutely caught me where it all began.
As bloggers it takes a while to find our ‘voice’ – the voice that is authentically us and not us trying to be like someone else. But also important is recognising that we do change, and we grow, and maybe another person wants us to stay the way they feel comfortable with us. Only you know what the truth is – or at least if you don’t know the truth, only you can work it out. If you need any help doing that I recommend Martha Beck’s Finding Your Own North Star. There’s a lot at the beginning about your essential self and your social self that I think you’ll find interesting. As you, Michelle and Tammy have all said, the first step is recognising that there is work to be done. The second step will take considerably longer! (A lifetime in my case!)
Love,
Janice. x
I know Janice. We do change as we grow but this change was arrogance. And surprisingly I had no idea that I was becoming so. After I heard from that friend of mine, I went ahead and asked my family, sisters, nephew as to what do they think. And everyone answered that my way of talking has undergone some kind of “Don’t Care” transformation. I really don’t know why that happened but thankfully, I found out how to work it out: the first being, talk when you are calm and not when you are hot. We often end up telling things we don’t mean, when we talk when we are agitated.
I will search for this book in Amazon.